Doubts Part II

Never let my guard down.

I thought I was prepared for anything. I guess that's the whole point in this big mess. A single fact that everybody else keep on telling you and that you always overlook. One is never prepared.

I read somewhere before that jealousy - covetousness, if you will - starts young and is deeply rooted in primal emotions. Say a child owns a toy, but neglects it for the other toys around it. Once the ignored toy is taken from him, the child then makes an effort to take it back, despite the fact that it is his least favorite or not the best of the lot. Because one does not know what is taken from him until he realizes what he loses. Or realizes another has taken it from him. Why jealous? Why so jealous; why so Emo on the matter when all should not be?

I couldn't get to fix my life. That is why I created the Mausoleum and the Necropolis. A place where I can question my own sanity in a riotous debate without losing the same sanity that is hanging by a thread. Midlife crisis at such a young age? Or just plain youthful ignorance? I once decided to never believe in fate, or predestination - that I make my own path. And this belief has lead me to construct my own doubts, since the only one to blame is myself; as I just sowed the seeds of my own self-destruction.

Which leads to the only possible and feasible solution: adapt. Keep the damage already done to the minimum levels. Rationalizing without making excuses, understanding the self-made problem without self-pitying, looking for answers to a question so obvious that it just dumbfounds me. I just keep forgetting that I should not blame myself. Once emotions take over, rational thought is thrown straight out the window. Which leads to another age-old question of why? Why should things be complicated, really? Human nature?

Sigmund Freud once said, "Human beings are funny. They long to be with people they love but refuse to admit it openly. Some are afraid to show the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized or worse, returned. But one thing puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be remotely connected with their object of affection even if it slowly kills them from within."

Once again, Doubt. It should be listed as a sin if it reaches this level.