When in doubt...

Doubt.

Damn that word. It gives a fellow a reason not to sleep well, get agitated, anxious, think twice... in short, well... Screwed.

Doubt breeds insecurities, as I recall, and insecurities tend to make one act in all sorts of manners that are far from being smart. You act stupid, and cannot think straight. Unless the doubt is removed.

A college professor once told us in our moral theology class said, "if there's a doubt, remove the doubt." How do you do that? He answered: "Exegesis. Look for the answers. Think."

"How the hell am I supposed to think when I am in a loss?" Now that would seem a funny moment if it weren't so sad. I am at a loss because I have no idea how the hell I am going to get through this year. I am now contemplating the thought of me not doing anything and just let fate decide. Not really choosing heads or tails, but rather flinging the coin and just catching it repeatedly. Until something comes up and points to me, "THERE, DUMBASS!"

But what am I looking for? Of course an answer to the doubt. But then again, what exactly is the answer?

Will I know it when it just pops in front of me? Will it consist in a long, drawn-out affair of contemplation on, say, like the meaning of life or why the toast lands butter-side-down? Or is it just under my nose, and I'm just too dense to notice? Asking for signs would be good, but that type sort of leads one to see what one wants to see, and not what one really needs to see. And that last one just leads to another series of doubts.

Another story is going to unfold in the Necropolis, and I am sure that it will be interesting, and at the same time a sad one. I myself do not know how it will end. Worse thing is, I do not know what will happen next... Individual factions will vie for supremacy, trapping those in between to struggle amidst that very same sea of doubt. About themselves, the side that they chose, or whether the decision they have taken is right. Even deeper there will be internal struggle in one who is caught in his own doubts. Questioning matters of self-identity, integrity, mettle, and heart.

Makes for a good story, if it were not something too close for comfort. Depressingly close, that is.

Doubt.

I hate the word.